The Alisa Valdes Magic Show

Chica-Lit author Alisa Valdes fell in love with four different men in two months, and the year had only just begun! Her love life is magical.

All eyes turn to Facebook as our borderline Bullwinkle steps out on stage.

Watch me pull a boyfriend out of my hat, says the super intelligent, insatiably sexy, hugely beautiful and surpassingly talented actress, adjective-lover, bestselling author, business executive, cougar, diet guru, executive director, fitness instructor, fundy pro, intellectual, journalist, life coach, mother, motivational speaker, moviemaker, musician, office manager, photographer, politician, producer, relationship coach, reporter, selfie model, screen writer, singer, songwriter, tour guide, writing teacher, zumba instructor, whatever. It's a borderline thing.

On 8 January, Alisa pulled her first lover of the new year out of her hat. He's a chemist who is "Super stable, both emotionally and financially. Same job 19 years. Can fix anything. Collects art. Is art... Freaking Hot as hell... Digs me.  I dig him... Sweet and Kind. Next, indeed. Had no idea such a man was out there ... living in my neighborhood. Thank you, universe."

 

She immediately posted his picture to show how handsome he is. If her BF is handsome, than she must be pretty. It's a borderline thing.

 

Poof! The universe shrugged and her new lover dumped her the next day. There was no chemistry. She deleted his photograph and headed out to find her next rabbit.

She pulled soul mate number two out of her hat three weeks later, and immediately posted his picture on Facebook: "Him, *sigh*."

Oh, and I have a new boyfriend," she said with the mock surprise of a seasoned stage magician. "He's a handsome nurse ... with a 150 IQ and the best sense of humor. Compassionate, great communicator, kind. ... a socialist, very cute, trustworthy, sensitive and just easy and fun to hang out with. No issues. This is a good day in so many ways."

"I refuse to say MALE nurse like everyone else because that's sexist," says Alisa, the first politically correct Femme Fatale in the history of magic. He was one of the nurses who worked on her when she tried to commit suicide last year.

Poof! Nurse Hot Hips vanished in 24 hours and so did his picture. Even the smiling emoticon that celebrated their true love was gone without a trace.  Now you see it, now you don't. That's her patter: love, blather, delete.

On Valentine's Day she reported that she was alone and loving it. Then she reached into her tiny hat and pulled out another man.

At 4:20 PM on 14 February, she announced that she was "In a Relationship!" It was her third relationship in forty days. She falls in love instantly, the way a mother bonds with her newborn. She was so excited she posted the new relationship again at 5:20.

The new guy was smart, sexy, and handsome. She had a picture to prove it. "Him!" she said, using the same appellation she used with her last boyfriend. When you fall in love as often as Alisa, you need to recycle your chamuyo. Alisa assured her audience that her new relationship was the real deal.

Pay no attention to the men who just disappeared behind her magic curtain. This new boyfriend is The One. He has all the qualities necessary to be her novio: a pulse, functioning genitalia, and the appearance of someone young enough to be her son. Her audience wasn't buying it.

"It takes about 5 years to really see a person for who he or she is," warned Danielle, a concerned member of her audience and longtime fan. "The desperation isn't ever gonna work."

Magic Alisa did not agree. "I appreciate your concern," she replied. "I am happy with my decision. Hope you can be happy for me in five years."

Poof! Her new beau dumped her in five hours and she immediately washed that man right out of her hair. Her love for him vanished as quickly as it had arrived and so did her Five Year Plan for True Love.

Our magician briefly stepped offstage to celebrate her graduation from a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) support group. Alisa was diagnosed with BPD four years ago, but her therapist now says she no longer meets the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. DBT has rewired her brain. Wow! She's a first class magician if there never was one. She cured herself of an incurable mental illness! Her Facebook audience applauded and Alisa went back to her never ending magic show.

Watch me pull another boyfriend out of my hat.

Her fourth relationship in two months was proclaimed on 2 March. This six-two, kind, gentle, smart, and talented young man fell in love with her, just like the last three guys, and she is madly in love with him, just like she was with every man who came before. Sure, she's old enough to be his mother; that's why they hooked up in the first place. She's a "cougar." ¿No sabes? 

"Just when I'd resigned myself to being happy alone, there he was," says our modest magician. She's already forgotten her three previous novios of 2016. Out of her hat, out of her mind.

"Brilliant, gentle, funny, patient, talented, self-aware, sexy, courageous, available, and ... in love with me. ... Right time, right man. Right now. True love." She sounds like Ekert Tolle.

Poof!

I have not published the names or photographs of any of her vanishing soul mates. These men did what they needed to do. They deserve sympathy, compassion, and privacy.

If you want to keep up with Alisa's boyfriends, keep your eyes glued to her Facebook Magic Show.

Now you see 'em, soon you won't.

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